It's Finally Here: “I Hate When You Do That!*” is Now Available

Written By Kyle Mammen

After years of presenting, researching, writing, revising, and rethinking, I'm excited to share that my first book is now officially published.

The ebook edition of “I Hate When You* Do That! — Understanding the Four Faces of Hate and the Virtues That Heal Them” is available now on Amazon.*

Paperback and hardcover editions are currently in production and will be available soon.

You can find the ebook on Amazon.

Cover of the book "I Hate When You Do That" Alternative words to substitute for the word "You" are shown subtly in the background.

My first published book!

The asterisk is the point! Replace “You” with whoever is testing your patience most right now.

It can apply to any relationship that needs some TLC, whether that’s your spouse, your boss, your neighbor, your political opponents, or even yourself.

Why This Book?

This project began years ago as a conference presentation called I Hate When Students Do That! While working in academic advising and mental health counseling, I became increasingly interested in a simple question:

What do we actually mean when we say we hate something—or someone?

The more I explored that question, the more I realized that hate isn't a single emotion. It shows up in different forms and creates different kinds of damage.

Over time, I developed what I call the Four Hates Framework:

  • Disgust – "I don't want this near me."

  • Indifference – "I don't care."

  • Contempt – "I'm better than you."

  • Enmity – "I want you to suffer."

Just as importantly, I became interested in the virtues that help counter those responses:

  • Understanding

  • Compassion

  • Empathy

  • Forgiveness

The book explores each of these ideas through personal stories, professional experiences, psychology, philosophy, faith, and examples drawn from popular culture.

Who Is This Book For?

If you've ever found yourself frustrated with:

  • Family members

  • Coworkers

  • Political opponents

  • Students

  • Neighbors

  • Institutions

  • Social media

  • Yourself

    ...then this book was written with you in mind.

Despite the title, this isn't a book about condemning people. It's a book about understanding the emotional patterns that pull us apart and the virtues that can help bring us back together.

A Personal Thank You

Many people have contributed to this project over the years—friends, family members, colleagues, students, clients, conference attendees, and readers who encouraged me to keep developing these ideas.

I'm especially grateful to those who challenged the framework, asked difficult questions, shared their own stories, and helped me see where the ideas needed refinement.

Writing a book is often described as a solitary endeavor, but this one never truly was.

What's Next?

The ebook is available now, and paperback and hardcover editions are on the way.

In the coming weeks, I'll also be sharing additional articles, reflections, and discussions related to the Four Hates Framework, including some examples from literature, film, television, and video games that helped shape the ideas found in the book.

Thank you for your support, your curiosity, and your willingness to engage with difficult topics.

I hope the book gives you useful language for understanding both the tensions we experience and the healing that remains possible.


Which of the Four Hates—Disgust, Indifference, Contempt, or Enmity—do you think causes the most damage in modern life?

Kyle Mammen